Archive for the 'Funny Quotes' Category

“Imagination was given to man…” Horace Walpole

“Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not. A sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is.” Horace Walpole

“Life is not divided into semesters…” Bill Gates

“Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself.” Bill Gates

“Enjoy life. There’s plenty of…” Anonymous

“Enjoy life. There’s plenty of time to be dead.” Anonymous

“A man with a watch…” Segal’s Law

“A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.” Segal’s Law

“The best ideas come as…” David M. Ogilvy

“The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.” David M. Ogilvy

“Any fool can criticize, condemn…” Dale Carnegie

“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do.” Dale Carnegie

“Men who never get carried…” Malcolm Forbes

“Men who never get carried away should be.” Malcolm Forbes

“Only two things are infinite…” Albert Einstein

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” Albert Einstein

“The desire to take medicine…” Sir William Osler

“The desire to take medicine is perhaps the greatest feature which distinguishes man from animals.” Sir William Osler

“It is even harder for…” H. L. Mencken

“It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.” H. L. Mencken

“There’s no point in being…” Doctor Who

“There’s no point in being grown up if you can’t be childish sometimes.” Doctor Who

“Irrigation of the land…” Michael McClary

“Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It’s called ‘rain’.” Michael McClary

“If you want to know…” Dorothy Parker

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.” Dorothy Parker

“There’s so much pollution…” Robert Orben

“There’s so much pollution in the air now that if it weren’t for our lungs there’d be no place to put it all.” Robert Orben

“Good judgment comes from…” Barry LePatner

“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.” Barry LePatner

“If the only tool…” Abraham Maslow

“If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.” Abraham Maslow

“Given a choice between…” Blore’s Razor

“Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.” Blore’s Razor

“Man is the only animal…” William Hazlitt

“Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be.” William Hazlitt

“You can complain because roses…” Ziggy

“You can complain because roses have thorns or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.” Ziggy

“There are many who…” Cyril Connolly

“There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say.” Cyril Connolly

“Speak when you are angry…” Laurence J. Peter

“Speak when you are angry – and you will make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” Laurence J. Peter

“Egotism is the anesthetic…” Frank Leahy

“Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity.” Frank Leahy

“One reason I don’t drink…” Nancy Astor

“One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.” Nancy Astor

“All progress is based upon…” Samuel Butler

“All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.” Samuel Butler

“Even if you’re on the…” Will Rogers

“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” Will Rogers

“As an adolescent I aspired…” M. Cartmill

“As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life – so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.” M. Cartmill

“When they discover the…” Bernard Bailey

“When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.” Bernard Bailey

“It is bad luck…” Andrew W. Mathis

“It is bad luck to be superstitious.” Andrew W. Mathis

“If ‘progress’ keeps up…” Frank Lloyd Wright

“If ‘progress’ keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs except for the push-button finger.” Frank Lloyd Wright